Confessions of a Sparkle Peen
by blahblahblah246
Summary: Edward Cullen, vampire extraordinaire, sparkles in the sunlight. A ridiculous one shot detailing when a certain part of his anatomy sparkles. Not his big toe, folks. Rated M.


**Some Important Information First**...

**Series Title:** CONFESSIONS OF A SPARKLE PEEN**  
Series Summary:** Edward Cullen, vampire extraordinaire, sparkles in the sunlight. A series of unrelated one shots detailing when a certain part of his anatomy sparkles. Not his big toe, folks. Rated M.**  
How this came to be:** Inspired by some of my favorite authors and egged on by those reluctant to partake in this endeavor (some of them in both categories), I decided to stop pushing it off on others, and try my hand at it. Enjoy.

**Chapter Title:** The Stuff of Legends**  
Chapter Summary:** A, thought to be unreliable but sincerely adamant, narrator shares the legend of the sparkle peen.**  
Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

There is a legend, a seemingly unverifiable story that has been passed on from generation to generation. That is the definition of a legend, for those not aware.

It was always a tale of two lovers, but overtime, it became a cautionary tale of man's perverse need to satisfy itself. I say 'man' because no woman has ever felt those types of urges. No, it is men who take the innocents into the forests, have their way with the poor girls and quickly discard them one, two, three spurts later. In short, it was a story of abstinence. Did I mention the girl got pregnant and the boy went off and got his kicks elsewhere? That part is important, or so I've been told.

I hate that story, but luckily, that is not the true story. The original story is altogether different, yet at its foundation quite the same.

For time carries on and the days become years become centuries, and mankind with its fear of the changing tides of thought, rearranges facts and alters history.

You should ask, that if this is the case, how can my voice be reliable? I tell you. I am not man. I am not woman. I am also, most lamentably, not God.

Some say I am that which makes leaves flutter, that which cools a warm summer's night, and still, others say I am that which glooms their days. In the minds of humans, I am both good and bad, though the bad is what is dwelled upon. I am not bitter, for the most part.

The reality is that I live and breathe this earth.

I am also one that was told of this legend many lifetimes ago. Then one, not so typical day, I bore witness to it myself. I lay out the story before you, and you are to decide: believe or deny. But, let me tell you, you should want to believe.

How long ago this occurred is not important, but if specifics will relieve your ever wary, practical nature, then the instance I will relate was nearly a century ago, but be aware, moments like this go beyond this particular tale. For events like this, have occurred again and again and will continue until I take my last breath and time stands still. (I still haven't been informed of when that will be.)

The legend is of two lovers, yes. For when one person is truly in love with another, the mind surrenders to the body and the gives and takes, the grasps and moans, are all manifestations of their emotional connection. To the young, I should caution you. Pulling and panting also occurs without the emotional. Sometimes a good romp is all you need.

But, when love and lust meet, it is a greater spark than any influence even I have been granted. And, when it is more-than-man and more-than-woman? That is this story.

Yes, I'm getting to the story. Just a little more information until I get to the good stuff.

Carrying on, you have the time; now, the location. It was a state of rain and green. The typical weather of those that bemoan 'April showers' except here it was continually April. The sun did not completely shun the state. At the tops of mountains, through the greenery, or just along the footpaths of everyday responsibilities, from time to time the sun would awash its inhabitants with its warmth.

(The story begins now for those who were skimming. You know who you are.)

That particular day I had been busying myself by unsettling the moss on a maple tree I visited weekly when I heard the, very not-so pure, smacks of body against body. I was unperturbed. I had heard these sounds before and the accompanied squeals confirmed my deductions.

To remain a reliable narrator, I will even make an embarrassing confession. I have, on occasion, partaken in some viewings of these events even _after_ acquiring the knowledge of what I would find. When you have unlimited time, you become curious to the ways of others. That is my excuse. You might think me a voyeur. I do not believe I am a voyeur. Maybe a little.

I was prepared to continue nagging the moss, but perhaps because of my growing listlessness (even beings like I get listless) or it was that crafty Fate pinching my sides because she was bored; whatever the impetus, I decided to investigate.

As I got closer to the noises, I became aware of two figures against a tree. I was glad, while also a bit disappointed, that I hadn't been bothering these mossy strands. These two were rather active, and the dents they were leaving in the tree were unusual.

_Two beings, partaking in a natural inclination while unnaturally disrupting nature._

Was Humor nearby? These thoughts reeked of his influence. Whether he was here or not, I decided to have some fun of my own. I had my suspicions, but I needed proof. I breathed in the gentle breeze surrounding me and blew it out to the clouds above. They swiftly parted in approval, and the sun's rays shone directly down onto a small clearing.

The figures still slightly aware of their surroundings, not so far gone then, peered up.

The female pulled away, inching into the clearing, her finger quirked towards the male, an invitation I suppose. To me, he seemed eager enough without the need of any type of inducement. Nevertheless, he moved only to the perimeter of the clearing, still in shadow. (And, yes, I meant that type of eager. Sometimes I'm too subtle.)

It was at this moment that I realized that the legend was true. I should not have doubted, but seeing is the ultimate validation, and even I haven't seen it all.

I had heard of these creatures before. Skin, extremely pale. Heightened features, angular cheekbones. Limbs, well-muscled. The combination of these and other attributes created an undeniable beauty. Nonetheless, these traits you might find in the most genetically blessed human. These two were not human.

Once my eyes moved away from the male, curiosity still at fault, I looked to the female. She stood at the center of the clearing now. The rays of light beamed onto her figure, and in return her once pallid-toned skin now glittered.

If the male refused to move closer, then I would. On closer inspection, I became aware that her skin was actually composed of individual facets, each sparkling almost like the most authentic diamond. I say 'almost' because no diamond could match the glimmer of her skin; the blues and yellows reflected off of her, leaving her glowing in the meadow.

My once perceptive disposition was faulty. I hadn't noticed that the male had finally moved into the clearing.

In any other instance I might have been enthralled by his eyes (golden like the woman's), his hair (who has bronze-colored hair?), or his body (was Michelangelo working part-time for God these days?); however, at present time, it was his eagerness that occupied my main focus. It was directly pointed at me—eh—her. Well, in my general direction, at least. Although, that wasn't what rapt my attention. It was something more.

It…_sparkled_.

I wanted to laugh uproariously, but held back, afraid I might create a twister with my delight. I couldn't help chanting in glee though.

_It's true. It's true._

The male began to stalk forward. I sprung backwards as if he could hurt me. He couldn't, but his expression would put the fear in any being. My movement caused the female's hair to brush against her shoulders and back. The male seemed to like that. He jumped her. Literally, jumped her. They fell backward, tearing earth from its resting place. Blades of grass were shredded and dispersed chaotically.

I was finding myself irritated with their movements. Sure, this was interesting, but it was the sparkly peen that really fascinated me, and at the moment, it was unfortunately concealed. Unfortunate for me; she seemed to enjoy its placement.

The sun seemed to have had enough of my games, and the clouds covered the clearing once more.

I slunk away; these two were too busy alternating positions and it didn't seem like either was going to give up soon.

I began to run, then gently began to twirl until I was at the highest peak of the mountain range. The legend was true. At these heights, I allowed myself a soft chuckle.

The legend was true.

Now, I say to you. 'Seeing is believing', but why not believe in something equally phenomenal and unapologetically ridiculous, and do so without the verification I needed. For maybe one day you will happen upon one yourself. Be wary though, you will probably find thousands of human, ordinary, slightly sickening peens before you are as lucky as I have been.

Two inhuman beings. Wholly in love. Displaying their devotion to each other in a powerful, and annoyingly destructive, joining of their bodies. Love welcomes lust.

And, the sparkle peen.

This is the stuff of legends.

Not to mention, I now had new stomping grounds to visit regularly. Thanks to Fate, Humor, and a level of curiosity centuries in the making.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading my (unapologetically ridiculous) story. And a special thanks to Robyn for always validating my craziness. And to OCD_indeed and Angel/EZrocksAngel for starting all this crazy talk.

I'm in the process of writing a second one-shot, this one featuring Emoward. Hopefully I'll have it finished soon.


End file.
